U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I deserve to be covered in dicks
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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