i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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