those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
