im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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