im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
