I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
