come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
