if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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