Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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