I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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