It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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