and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
not ubering you a puppy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
