i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
