Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
