I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
