I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
