I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
