If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
