her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
