im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
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