Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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