she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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