New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
