cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
