well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
