just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
