only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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