I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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