If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
