Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
