Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
