walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
