I just pynch a tree in the face
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
