I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
