I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
