i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
