Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
