hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
