got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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