'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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