Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
