Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
