I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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