woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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