Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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