Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize