I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
