i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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