As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
