I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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