My nipple is on Facebook.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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